Kung fu Panda: The Survival Guide
by Shinigamilover2
Summary: Join my OC Jesse, as he guides you on how to survive the world of Kung fu Panda itself. Part 1 in the 'Survival Guide' series. Rated T for some mild humor.
1. Introduction

A/N: Welcome, this is a story where put my OC in the place of the main character in this movie, told in my OC and it remains my POV, so it won't be showing certain scenes of the movie, like say Oogway's passing. Now let's get on with an introduction from my OC Jesse.

Jesse: Thank you Shinigamilover2, and as you have guessed, my name is Jesse. I am a human, I have hazel eyes, pale white skin,jet black hair, and freckles. I always wear a long sleeve black and gray striped shirt, and black pants, and black Adidas on my feet. And when I'm in these movies, we play by the rules, my rules! The only things I carry with me are my iPod, cell phone, and wallet. Every time you see words in parentheses that means I'm thinking, and in my thoughts, I'll tell each of you a rule to survive this sort of thing. Welcome to 'Kung fu Panda: The Survival Guide'

"Jesse, Jesse! Get up! You'll be late for work!" I heard a familiar voice say, I then recalled that the voice belonged to Mr. Ping. I snapped out of my dream, which was about me meeting my heroes, the Furious Five and I fought alongside them. I then just remembered that I built a portal that could travel into any movie I want, then I could write down all the rules to properly survive them. And movie number one was 'Kung fu Panda' I woke up to find myself back in my room that had zombie action figures, zombie posters, and a shelf stocked full of zombie movies. Yes I like Zombies, and there's nothing wrong with liking zombie related things, and hey, I didn't say I liked JUST Kung fu. There was just one problem though, Mr. Ping doesn't know of my zombie addiction, but my real parents did, we loved zombie movies.

"Jesse, what are you doing up there?!" I heard my Mr. Ping call again. I then got up off of my feet and tripped down the stairs. I then faced Mr. Ping, I then spoke like I knew who he was.

"Sorry dad"

"Sorry doesn't make the noodles! What were you doing up there anyway? All that noise"

"Oh nothing, I was just having a crazy dream"

"About what?"

"What?"

"What were you dreaming about?" I kept looking up at me with a goofy smile and widened creepy eyes, I knew what he was expecting.

(Rule #1: Don't say 'Noodles' in front of Mr. Ping, especially if you're his adopted son.

You know as well as I do that in the first film, Mr. Ping wants Po to sell noodles for the rest of his life, so if he asks what you were dreaming about, and he's expecting you to say noodles so he can give you a lecture about nothing having to do with having the life you've always wanted, but instead a life he has planned for you. So tell him you were dreaming about something else you really like)

"Oh, I was dreaming about uh... Zombies" his look of joy then turned to a look of annoyance.

"Zombies? Why would you be dreaming about zombies?"

"Well, what do you want me to say dad?" he just kept silent. That was close, and am I glad I just thought of that up. I then was about to hand a pig lady a bowl of noodles.

(Rule #2: Always pay attention to your surroundings.

In the movie, Po puts one of his ninja stars in there and then says 'Be careful that soup is...sharp' so unless you wanna find yourself being yelled at by an angry customer, always be careful what you put in that customer's food)

"Jesse, take these orders to tables 2, 5, 7, and 12" Mr. Ping said as he handed me the bowls. I then took the orders to the exact same tables he said, and was sure to be careful about what I was bumping into anything. I then turned my attention to a duck who was hanging up a poster. I then looked at the poster and starting yelling.

"Master Oogway is choosing the Dragon Warrior, TODAY! Everybody get to the Jade Palace, one of the five is gonna get the Dragon scroll. We've been waiting a thousand years for this. This is the greatest day in Kung fu history, just go!" I then started to run out of the restaurant until my dad stopped me.

"Jesse! Where are you going?"

"To the Jade Palace"

"But you're forgetting your noodle cart, the whole Valley will be there, and you will sell noodles to all of them" I just took the cart and left without a single word.

(Rule #3: Have a good hiding place.

Everyone in the audience knows you don't really care about the noodles, you really care about the butt kicking, awesomeness of Kung fu itself, so if Mr. Ping says to take a cart with you, find a good place to hide it from him, and make sure it's someplace where you know he'll never find it) I then pushed the cart into the garden next door and put down a curtain that had a flower design on it so that it would blend in perfectly. I then started running up the stairs to the Jade Palace.

A/N: Now you know how to get through the first scene of 'Kung fu Panda' through this little guide to how to survive. I hope you'll all find this guide very useful, if you ever dream of going to KFP world is it becomes possible one day. Please review, tell me which of these rules were your favorite, and thanks.


	2. Ceremony

Jesse P.O.V.

There they were, the thousand steps that lead up to the Jade Palace, and boy it looked like a long walk. So I just decided to run.

(Rule #4: Cardio.

Po was never the one for climbing stairs in this movie, and in this case when there's a thousand of them that lead up to a huge palace at the top of the hill, neither am I. So in this situation, I go with running up the stairs, but not too fast, because if you overwork yourself and you feel as if your heart's gonna explode, it's a possibility that it might happen)

I ran up the stairs, occasionally taking a break for some air, but kept running and running of those little monsters that the villagers call stairs. I then finally met my destination, the front door of the Jade Palace, but it seemed that running wasn't enough to get up on time. Because the door just closed on me. I then looked at the door to see a lock on it, I then went up to the door and took out a switchblade and used the tip of the blade to try and pick the lock.

(Rule #5: Lock picking.

If you're in a situation where you ever have to pick a lock to get into somewhere, you're gonna need to know that using a bladed weapon like a sword or knife is probably the best choice. Use a paper clip, it's gonna break easily and get stuck in the lock, and it'll be difficult to get out. If you're an animal with claws, don't use one, you'll only end up breaking it off your finger, and hurting yourself)

I tried but I only ended up bending the tip of the blade of the knife. So lesson learned, some locks can't be picked with knives. So there's got to be another way into there. I turned my attention to a tree and decided to do what runs in my blood, climb it.

(Rule #6: Tree climbing.

If you're ever in a situation where you have to get over a wall that's too big for you to jump, look for a tree nearby and climb it to the top of the wall and jump over the wall. And hope that it doesn't fall down on you and you find yourself looking at a setback in reaching your destination)

I then ran over to the tree and grabbed onto the branch (Snap) just like that, and climbed over the wall. I have been great at climbing trees since I could walk, now all that time climbing those trees, in my mind was totally worth it. I then decided to hide behind a statue for a while until Oogway would pick the Dragon Warrior.

(Rule #7: If you see a statue, hide behind it.

We all know that Oogway would pick Po, so it's gonna be you who Oogway picks if you're in this sort of situation. But when you know that YOU'RE obviously the one going to be chosen, you need to hide somewhere until he points to you, so the most highly recommended hiding spots are statues, and really big ones if you're lucky enough that this place even has any)

I then heard Oogway use his hand signals to silence the crowd and have all the audiences turn to him.

"I sense the Dragon Warrior is among us" the Furious Five then lined up and waited for Oogway to choose who the Dragon Warrior is. I then kept looking at them but through a small opening in the statue I was behind. I then saw Oogway point toward the statue and heard Tigress speak.

"Master, are you pointing at me?"

"Him" Tigress looked behind her to see nothing there.

"Master, you're pointing at a statue" Oogway then walked toward the crowd, and a lot of people got out his way so he could walk toward where he was walking to. He then tapped on the statue with his staff and spoke.

"Come out young one, don't be shy" yup, he was totally talking to me (Thus proving what I said in rule number seven to be true) I then stepped out of my hiding place and Oogway lead me to the center of the arena where the five were. Oogway then held my arm in the air, and spoke out to the audience.

"Citizens of the Valley of Peace, I give you the Dragon Warrior" then I heard Shifu, and the Five all screaming 'what' in unison. Then there was confetti falling from the sky and there was like a parade float waiting for me. I then got on it as instructed by the elderly turtle, and was taken up to the Hall of Heroes. Now this is where we get to the more serious steps of survival.

A/N: And there you have it everybody, one great chapter of helpful hints for surviving the world of 'Kung fu Panda' and it's true that I am really good at climbing trees. Please review, thanks.


	3. Training

Jesse P.O.V.

Well, I'm in the hall of heroes. I tried my best to keep calm.

(Rule #8: Keep calm.

I understand that you're in a place filled with legendary artifacts, but that doesn't mean you get to go fan boy/girl on the place and be like Po when he was in there. He acted like a kid who was over loaded on sugar, which in my opinion, he was. So you CAN look at all the artifacts, just don't let out a scream of excitement or whatever, that will on make Shifu hate you more, because of your childish actions)

I just walked around and looked around the hall of heroes and all the treasures it contained, but kept as calm as possible. I then took a look to the reflecting pool to see Shifu standing there.

"So you're the legendary dragon warrior, hm?" I just shrugged my shoulders in reply, as if to say 'I guess so'.

Wrong, you are NOT the Dragon Warrior, you will NEVER BE the Dragon Warrior, until you have mastered the secrets of the Dragon Scroll!" he yelled and pointed at the ceiling. Now I was getting mad as heck.

(Rule #9: Stand up for yourself.

You shouldn't care if he's a powerful master of Kung fu or whatever for that matter, he's smack talking you for no reason except that he doesn't like you! So don't be afraid to say something back to him in your defense)

"Listen, I don't like this arrangement as much as you do, but we're both gonna have to live with this!"

"Don't you be disrespecting a Kung fu master!"

"I don't really care, why? You were back talking me first, I call it standing up for myself" that seemed to calm him down a little bit, but he still had a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Impressive young one. I'm surprised that you have the guts to stand up for yourself against someone who is much older and wiser than you. Come, your training is about to begin" he then lead me down to the training hall. After five minutes of walking we got to the training hall and I saw all the warriors giving me looks of annoyance and anger. I really don't like it when people give me dirty looks, but I just ignored them.

(Rule #10: Ignore the dirty looks.

You can just tell by their looks, that they hate you. You can get back at them later, but for now, just take the opportunity to impress them and get off them easier)

I then took a look at the training course and it looked easy to me, all I did was take a deep breath and mimicked every move on the training course that I saw in the movie.

(Rule #11: Shadowboxing.

Sometimes it's a good idea to copy another person's moves that you saw on the movie to get through the course itself. So if you wanna survive the training course, repeat after them)

I then finished all of the obstacles of the course in only just a minute and was able to survive the fiery field of death. The warriors, and Shifu were just staring at me with jaws lowered. I then only said, you've just gotten burned. I then made my way to the sleeping quarters.

A/N: Well, I gotta admit, I was able to impress the five way faster than Po did in the first film. Please review, thanks.


	4. Friends

Jesse P.O.V.

I was in my room just getting into my night clothes, which were some sweat pants, and an old trip T-shirt from Alaska. I saw shadows in front of my doors, (which were see-thru in case you were wondering) and the Furious five and Shifu had let themselves in. Shifu then spoke to me.

"Listen, Jesse, we wanted to say that we were sorry and that we were also wrong about you. Even though you were just a spectator in the audience, you were chosen, and we experienced your incredible martial arts skills, and you have now honestly earned the title of the Dragon Warrior" the five warriors behind him nodded. Do my ears deceive me? Shifu apologizing to me? Something he never did with Po?

(Rule #12: First impressions win respect.

Po didn't really make that much a great first impression with Shifu or the five with the training coarse in the movie, he even got hit in the "Tenders" trying to impress them. But I on the other hand did everything that Po did wrong on this thing. So bad impressions equals disrespect if you're ever being taught by a Kung fu master)

Well, it's official I am now one of them. And I think I'm kinda enjoying being around these people. Tigress then walked up to me.

"Jesse, you should have some dinner with us" the warriors behind her nodded and I just shrugged my shoulders in agreement. I then followed them down to the mess hall. I had a great time with them, it was a fun experience and I gotta be sure to remember it.

(Rule #13: Enjoy the little things.

When you go through experiences like this, you should take your time and enjoy them. Because you might not ever get to enjoy something as good as what's happening like this moment again, or for a while)

I then went to my room and lied down in my cot (A/N: I hate cots! They're so uncomfortable!) and placed an alarm clock on the little desk right next to the bed.

(Rule #14: Alarm clocks.

We all that a gong is what wakes the students up in the morning, but trust me people when I ask you this, do you really want to wake up every morning with a gong ringing in your ears? I didn't think so! So always set an alarm clock for the proper time to wake up before the gong rings. The gong wakes them up at 6:20 every morning, so I'm setting mine for 6:15)

I then placed the blankets right over me and fell into a deep sleep. I had a dream about this guy that I was supposed to face soon, Tai-Lung, I know how to defeat him, and I know how to properly arm myself with to take him down, but that can wait until he arrives.

I then woke up hearing the buzzing of my own alarm and, woke up in a jolt. I just remembered that I was supposed to get up earlier than the others before the gong rang, and I just put my clothes back on after taking my pajamas off. I then kept waiting at the door for five minutes for everyone to wake up (A/N: That's what I would've done) then that blasted gong rang and then burst through the doors saying 'Good morning master' in unison with the other warriors. He then lead us down to the training hall to train some more. Shifu then stepped in the middle.

"Jesse, I want to see your fighting skills against my students, alright?" I nodded and got into the middle of the arena with Viper.

"You ready?" she asked me. I spoke back.

"Yeah, hold on" I then started doing random stretches.

(Rule #15: Limber up.

You should always stretch yourself before fighting, because I have been through tired muscles and not feeling enough energy, and if you're tired when you're fighting the enemy, it means you're gonna get your butt kicked .Limbering up is only for training, and before going up against your bad guy. Because your enemy is not gonna let you limber up, he's not gonna play fair with you)

Shifu then asked me what the heck I was doing with a look on his face that could tell just about anyone he was confused.

"Jesse, might I ask what you're doing?"

"It's always good to limber up before you go up against an opponent in combat, but since this is just training and this Tai-Lung dude is not gonna play fair with me, it's very, very important" I then did a hand gesture that meant 'Bring it' and she slithered super fast toward me. I then kicked he in the lower jaw and stomped her down to the ground with my boot. Shifu and the others looked amazed.

"And that is why you should always limber up" I said as helped Viper off the ground. The other four of the five looked at each other and they started doing the same stretches I did. I couldn't help but chuckle a little bit.

A/N: Well, there you have it, the fourth chapter of a survival guide that is only the first of a whole series. I'm going to do a Survival guide for 'Brother Bear' after this one is completed. Please review, thanks.


End file.
